To The Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I am so sorry. So very sorry for the pain that he has put you through. That I’ve allowed him to put you through. Your collateral damage was never my intention. Only the reality.

My only hope in salvation is that you read my story and see that I am not the perfect woman you envision. That my flaws run deep and raw. I want you to hate me. Welcome it even. But I want you to hate him too.

I want you to hate him and see him for the user that he is. I know this before I begin. And know that I carry it with me always. You could say that I seek him out because of the hate I harbor for him and myself. We hold up the mirror.

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Rule No. 7: Fuck. You.

Dark and Twisty: You’re not listening B. Users are incomplete. I intend you to be whole

Me: Haha. Well ya might be here a while then. 😛

Dark and Twisty: There is work to be done

Dark and Twisty: You have been the used

Dark and Twisty: Now you need the converse

Me: And he sees me.

Dark and Twisty: There is no light without being dark

Me: Which am I to be now?

Dark and Twisty: Indeed

Dark and Twisty: Seize control of you

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More discoveries to be had.

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Nothing Good Happens on Craigslist

Browsing craigslist personals is one of my absolute favorite hobbies.  I usually only browse when I’m in need of a pick me up. Nothing like the sad depravity of the interwebs to remind myself that I am in fact, doing pretty fucking well- all things considered.

I happened upon a post from a married man who was seeking an affair.  He didn’t want it to be only about the sex- he wanted a real connection as well.  He also asserted he was really a sweet guy, but this just had to be done. Fact of life.

*eye roll*

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The Return of Ms. A

I’m back, bitches.

Did you miss me?

I’m going to go with no, since I’ve transplanted my old blog here thus losing all of my previous followers.

I’ve been busy “finding myself”- whatever the fuck that looks like. I’ve got some new activities to entertain myself with (that don’t include fucking married men). I’m doing well in my business ventures.

And yet- I’m missing something.

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Rule No. 5: Hate yourself.

Oh good.  I’m not actually dead.  I’m still here. I still have a sort of soul.

It’s not going to be enough. It’s never going to be enough.  I can’t fuck with people just to have it be a temporary reprieve.  It’s stupid.  Can we just skip the part where you blame everything on me and walk away?  Can we just skip the part where I fall in love with you when I know how it ends?

Not. Enough.

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Rule No.2: Be prepared to learn. A lot.

I told him that he should be careful about getting involved with me- because I desperately want to feel ‘WHOLE’. I spend the majority of my time feeling scared, hopeless, and lonely. I’ve been feverishly working to squash that bit of darkness inside of me into a box that I never want to open.

I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even realize I’m doing it anymore. You could say I’ve split myself a bit. On one hand I am the girl that everybody loves and adores. I say the right things. I do the right things. I lift you up. I’m bubbly and fun but serious when I need to be. I’m powerful and vulnerable at all the right moments.

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Rule No. 1: Choose him carefully.

It always starts innocent enough. We talk about work- because that’s our only connection. Then because it’s my job to get to know them we might talk about other interests. Just basic level shit. You catch last night’s game? Where you from? Any exciting weekend plans?

And then somehow it turns into something different. I enjoy the shift when it’s subtle enough- but you can still see it coming from miles away. What was the intent with that statement? Is he flirting with me? Should I respond? Do I want to respond? (YES!)

I wait for cues here. I have a reputation to uphold. I need to be taken seriously and can’t be just that pretty little face that serves no purpose other than to stroke your giant ego. It’s a deliciously wonderful dance that takes quite a bit of effort to juggle. And when it works. It’s fucking gorgeous.

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