It always starts innocent enough. We talk about work- because that’s our only connection. Then because it’s my job to get to know them we might talk about other interests. Just basic level shit. You catch last night’s game? Where you from? Any exciting weekend plans?
And then somehow it turns into something different. I enjoy the shift when it’s subtle enough- but you can still see it coming from miles away. What was the intent with that statement? Is he flirting with me? Should I respond? Do I want to respond? (YES!)
I wait for cues here. I have a reputation to uphold. I need to be taken seriously and can’t be just that pretty little face that serves no purpose other than to stroke your giant ego. It’s a deliciously wonderful dance that takes quite a bit of effort to juggle. And when it works. It’s fucking gorgeous.
And this is how I met my dark and twisty. Although to be fair- we haven’t ACTUALLY met yet. That’s coming soon. And I can’t wait. But I’m also dreading it- because I know that once I do I’ve officially leapt into another realm. I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop- with him or otherwise.
It’s been my intention for quite some time to find my OTHER. I categorize men like others categorize simple mundane everyday things. One category is the type of guy you know you want to marry. He has a good heart. He might be a little aloof- but overall he’s a great guy. The kind you take home to your parents. The one who you grow old with and create a home and family with.
Then there is the OTHER. Allow me to lay it out for you. The OTHER serves no other purpose than to make you feel alive. He’s there in a way that your marry type can’t be. He knows your deepest darkest secrets but doesn’t care. He knows what makes you feel alive. He wants your best but none of the mess. Or at least that’s how it should work in theory. I’m sure the reality is much grittier. And I’m sure I’ll find out very soon just how gritty it can be.
But this is the path I’ve set myself on. My original intent was to pick up some of the empowerment and liberation whilst likewise freeing up a similar soul who’s grown tired of his day to day living. Men need to feel appreciated, desired, wanted. I recognize that. And I’m happy to provide. I’ve done this before.
Oh my dear dark and twisty. It could have turned out very wrong. To do this successfully you need to choose someone else who is attached. I flat out lied to him about my level of attachment. My marrying type (hereafter referred to as Mr. MT) was hastily thrown to the pile while I lusted after this worldly businessman with a dry sense of humor. At that point I still wasn’t convinced what I wanted though. Did I want the dark and twisty every night? Or just on occasion? Did I want my Mr. MT (or any Mr. MT for that matter) and the quiet comfort he provides? I eventually settled on the latter. And then I began to worry.
Because Dark and Twisty was stepping up his game. His messages became increasingly bolder. And I was lapping it up like a cat who stumbles upon a warm bowl of milk. I kept playing along because deep down I KNEW he had to be attached- even though he had never said as such. I double checked our conversations using ctrl-f for the word wife, girlfriend, or otherwise. There was nothing. It really started to eat at me. I wasn’t (and still am not) interested in changing my circumstances- but what if this guy WASN’T attached? I might be tempted. Or he might call me when he shouldn’t. Or text when he shouldn’t. Or just show up at my work one day.
So I did what any tech savvy woman with a need for information would do. I turned to google. I don’t remember how I stumbled upon his wife. I must admit it took me a few tries- she is not Mrs. Dark and Twisty but goes by another name. My first reaction? Pure rage. How could HE be married and not tell me? The nerve. Then I realized how hypocritical and ridiculous I was being.
I decided to tell him the truth today. The truth about my situation. The truth about my own dark and twisty. I expected him to politely bow out and perhaps decline the drink invitation I had extended to him. But he didn’t! Instead he comes back with complete and total understanding. Could it be that this man gets me? That he recognizes that primal need to be wanted in such a fierce way it could never stand the test of time? It certainly seems that way. So we enter this new relationship/or arrangement as it were. I’m honest with him. About it all. Everything. Sparing no details. It feels good. I feel good. I feel A-L-I-V-E.
He still hasn’t admitted his reality to me. I don’t think he will. He wants to keep them separate- which I can appreciate. And I should probably do the same. The two worlds are never meant to meet.
Now I know you are probably reading this thinking- oh my god girl how dense can you be? Can’t you see this man is manipulating you? Using you? Of course I can. I may be blonde but I’m not STUPID. Every conversation you have with ANYONE is a manipulation on some level. We don’t know who we are all the time. And sometimes what we think we are- isn’t actually who we are. Or perhaps we just want to be someone else for a little while. And that’s okay. So it matters very little to me whether or not he’s pulling the wool over my eyes. I’m getting what I want. My fantasy. My Dark and Twisty. And goddamnit it’s going to be fabulous.