I told him that he should be careful about getting involved with me- because I desperately want to feel ‘WHOLE’. I spend the majority of my time feeling scared, hopeless, and lonely. I’ve been feverishly working to squash that bit of darkness inside of me into a box that I never want to open.
I’ve done it for so long that I don’t even realize I’m doing it anymore. You could say I’ve split myself a bit. On one hand I am the girl that everybody loves and adores. I say the right things. I do the right things. I lift you up. I’m bubbly and fun but serious when I need to be. I’m powerful and vulnerable at all the right moments.
I do not find it difficult to navigate the world and its inhabitants with this innate power. Put me in a room full of people and I could make small talk for hours. I watch you, study you, listen to you and then mirror it all back for you. You love it. You crave it. You feel we’ve connected. In reality I’m just giving you what you want. It’s all easy for me.
But it’s lonely. Very lonely. There are times when it’s so lonely I literally can’t fucking stand it. I’m so unfulfilled. What’s next? Same shit. Different day. Rinse-wash-repeat. Some people feel grateful for a new day that they get to be living when they wake up in the morning. I feel numb.
Enter the dark side of me. The one that wants to feel whole or just feel in general. Hand me a bottle, I’ll drink myself into unconsciousness. I’ll let go of my careful control and say the wrong things at the wrong time. I’ll do things that I wouldn’t normally do.
Don’t even get me started on men. Attraction. Desire. Affection. Love. I want it all. I want you to adore me. I want to be your queen. And when I’ve grown tired of you I’ll toss you into the pile like all the rest of the worthless puppies I’ve stumbled upon.
So I tried to warn my dark and twisty. He needed to understand what I was after. And why he- or anyone else- will never be enough. Just a temporary solution to a long term problem. I recognized with his dark nature that he will bring out the most in me. The chaos. I hate chaos. And while I could try to control it so he wouldn’t see it- I knew it wouldn’t be possible long term. He hinted that he could help here. I scoffed but played along anyway. What did I have to lose?
Then the questions start again. He has a knack for asking the right questions. I shouldn’t expect anything less from such an excellent player of the game. But because I can’t read him- because he is an unknown – I was left with having to answer truthfully. As truthfully as I can anyways. I had nothing to reflect back. It was just me. All me.
Dark and Twisty: of course
Dark and Twisty: And so we are, the imperfect pair
Dark and Twisty: yet so far you have not run
Me: Nope. New for me. Exciting.
Me: We really are the absolute imperfect pair though lol.
Me: You would think it would be more like… okay you play too. Well that’s less fun. Moving along.
Dark and Twisty: Yes, but this is a different sort of dance
Me: You very much so have the upper hand though. Which I think you are well aware of.
Me: While I may play the game. You’ve done better this go. You ask questions more than you answer. I provide the answers because I want to be vulnerable to you somehow. Or I want to let you in on the secrets to get what I need.
Dark and Twisty: you assume I am only playing
Me: Different sort of dance.
Dark and Twisty: exciting
Me: You might not be… simply because you have everything you’d need. But you don’t exercise it. Thus resisting my projection.
Dark and Twisty: Is it disturbing having someone talk with you that is not ultimately looking to exercise control (or let you do so)? Someone who is actually interested in meeting you on the dance floor as an equal?
Now I’m thinking. Why am I this way? How did it start? What do I ACTUALLY like and what is a fabrication? What do I want? Do I want to feel whole? Do I want to be dark? Do I want to be healthy? What is healthy? Do I need to create my own definition here?
And so began my week of soul searching. One night I was hunting for music (part of our game is swapping songs) and I stumbled upon something. Hands Clean. Suddenly I recalled something that happened 12 years ago. Something that I’ve dismissed as just a fucked up situation and moved on from.
I became curious. I googled the lyrics. I found it on Spotify. And I listened. Then it all made sense.
12 years ago a man deprived me of my innocence. He recognized that I was lonely, confused, and scared and he took advantage. I was 14. He was 35. I was powerless. He was powerful and he knew how to execute it.
After he had his way with me I remember feeling both powerful and powerless. It was a strange feeling. I had something he wanted. My body had power. Being a woman was powerful. It also meant that by default I was prey. I learned a hard lesson that day. I decided I never wanted to feel that way again.
Flash forward. Here I am. Manipulating. Guarding. Careful with the men I meet. Careful that I don’t make the same mistake twice. Do NOT be vulnerable. Do not be stupid.
Something clicked inside of me. I finally understand a deep part of myself. Knowledge is powerful. This opened the door for more self-discovery. I realized it’s possible for me to be both the dark and the light. We are one in the same. I do not need to split anymore. I just need to recognize that both of these components are inside of me. I need to not be afraid of either of them.
New discoveries can be terrifying. I am realizing that I may have been making the wrong choices all along. Perhaps I don’t need Mr. MT or a Dark and Twisty. I just need a man who will recognize I’m a bird- hold his hand out for me- love me when I return- and be smart enough to let me fly when I need to.
My Mr. MT could be this guy. But I am worried he might want something more. Something more traditional. I can’t be that for him. I am not ever going to be your traditional woman. I’m not the “trophy.” I am something altogether different. But I do promise to love unconditionally- without boundaries- as long as you promise never to try to possess me.
Dark and Twisty: Did you want a traditional commitment?
Dark and Twisty: And yes, I expect you to. My team is pretty lousy
Me: And mine is awesome
Dark and Twisty: Why shut up
Me: I don’t think I want a traditional commitment.
Me: I don’t want to be put in a box or pedestal. I don’t want to be someone’s world. I can’t be. They can’t be mine. I don’t want to place the expectation that I’m always going to want to screw something else. But I may or I may not. It’s just what it is. But my partner needs to know that.
Me: I think ultimately.
Me: At least I envision this.
Me: It makes me better. I love better with more than one person.
Dark and Twisty: did you expect to want a traditional because that’s what everyone else does?
Dark and Twisty: I understand where you are coming from, actually
Dark and Twisty: And did you ever find our situation traditional?
Me: Yes i did expect to
Me: I wanted to want traditional marriage and kids
Me: Of course not but I thought we were being naughty
Me: Now I just think it’s how I am
Dark and Twisty: I am trying to help you learn that about yourself
Dark and Twisty: To me, it was not simply about being naughty
Dark and Twisty: It was always going to be more difficult than just a game
Me: Is it always?
Me: Not naughty for me. But I wanted your escape.
Me: I didn’t know exactly what or who you were though. Was prepared for something else.
Dark and Twisty: Always more difficult? No. But the learning is
Dark and Twisty: Do you not wish we went down this road now?
Me: Not at all.
Me: So glad we did
And I am. So very very glad. Because I feel awake. Alive. For the first time. Ever.