Dark and Twisty: Will you miss me?
Me: Will you think of me?
Dark and Twisty: Always.
This is how we’ve started to sign off at 6PM every day while we abandon our favorite fantasy for the reality. I love it.
I used to leave work each day feeling miserable and unexcited. I dreaded leaving my office to exist in the real world. But now I welcome it. Even if I am abandoning my sweet fantasy. That fantasy- my dark and twisty- makes my world more bearable somehow.
I know this will sound odd – but I really do love better with more than one person. The way I view my Mr. MT now that he is not my entire world has changed drastically. I don’t need validation from him. I can find it in myself now. I can just be with him. No expectations. No constraints. It just is. If he says something I don’t agree with I don’t freak out. It’s fine. I’m okay.
Oh my god. I’m okay.
And he’s always there- in every fantastic moment- my Dark and Twisty.
I first realized he was enhancing my life long after our IM closed and I went to see a musical. Before it started everyone was gathered in the lobby. People were laughing, talking, dancing and just existing. I didn’t feel uncomfortable. I didn’t resent them for having a good time while I felt miserable. I was present. I watched them happily from the balcony and scanned the room. I imagined him being in this room somewhere. Encouraging me to live. Encouraging me to have fun. Encouraging me to be me- whatever that looks like.
I do remember noting a bit of an anxious feeling. Should I be thinking about him now? Should he be bleeding into my life this way? Shouldn’t I keep it separate? No. That’s his purpose. Make me whole sir. Make me whole.
He was with me again last night at a blues concert. I really listened to the music. I let myself go. I stood up and danced while others sat. My muscles tensed with each lick of the guitar. I bounced around happily. I also noticed a man (who was sitting down next to a very beautiful woman) watch me carefully with a certain look of longing. I was satisfied by this. I wanted to shout “LIVE YOU FUCKER! JUST LIVE!” Instead I did it for him. I’m doing it for everyone now.
Everywhere. You are everywhere to me.