Me: What if I’m worried about being YOUR villain?
Dark and Twisty: the more you know about yourself, the more you realize the choice rests with you
Heavy words sir, heavy words.
I spent a good portion of today dwelling on this. It was all consuming and I didn’t get much done. I couldn’t even effectively talk to my Dark and Twisty.
It all began with a simple conversation with the man I affectionately refer to as my “sounding board.” My sounding board once could have been my Dark and Twisty- but he wasn’t quite as far gone as I originally thought. Or he loved me enough to see I was an absolute mess and couldn’t handle the brain damage he’d give me. Either way- we survived the awkward dance and emerged on the other side as friends. But he has this knack for making feel like complete and utter shit.
I don’t think that’s his intention. It’s just a byproduct. He wants me to think through every action. He’s lectured me repeatedly about my Dark and Twisty. Mostly due to the fact that my dear Dark and Twisty is married and belongs to someone else. Collateral damage he calls it. Limit it- he says.
So my sounding board said some things that really killed me today. He asked me what I wanted- what sort of relationship I saw myself involved in 10 years from now. I answered that it would most likely be an open one with one primary and one secondary. He informed me quite simply that it will be hard to find that (if not impossible!). Who would be willing to settle for second best? I wanted to say- that’s why I choose those that are attached! Only someone else just like me could be okay with this! But I didn’t. I just let his words sink in.
He warned me that I couldn’t count on the fact that Dark and Twisty is attached. Sometimes men do things that we don’t expect. The mystery and the power of the attraction could potentially pull him away. He is by default- NOT safe. I always roll my eyes at this because I don’t view myself as any sort of catch. Especially not when I let you know that this is something that I do. Something I will likely always do. It’s part of my nature. Why would you leave the safety of your home to venture down the rabbit hole with someone like myself? Logic says you wouldn’t.
But who is logical. Really. Broken people aren’t logical.
I may be a little on the dark side- but I do have limits. It’s not that I would be worried about his family but I am extremely worried about him. I don’t want to pull him away from his real life. I think it’s a beautiful thing to have. I understand his lust for something else- because I have that too. I’m just unique in that I haven’t walked down that path completely because I know what will happen.
I definitely don’t want him to resent himself for loving me. Or resent me. I am supposed to be the light in the dark. I don’t want to swallow you up and drag you under. I know what happens to those women- they are discarded and thrown out.
This is where it gets really interesting. Re-read what I just wrote up there. I know what happens to those women- they are discarded and thrown out. What am I really saying here? I don’t want you to discard me or throw me out. I want you in whatever capacity I can have you.
Fuck. I’m fucked. I blindly want to keep his fantasy with me for a larger portion of my life. Just this man. No other Dark and Twisty. Just him. And I want him so damn much that I would never want to experience his normal. Because I know deep down- we’d both ruin it. But can I keep his fantasy? Is that possible? I have no idea. Every fiber of my being cries out – please let it be so! Please don’t tell me I’m going to be alone forever! The rational part of me says that it won’t work. Something has to break.
Sir- this is my happy ending. You asked. And here it is. That we live our normal- and have each other for the whole. I want you to be the happiest of happy in your reality and save everything else for me. When we can. Whether that is a few hours per day, per week, per month, per year. It matters very little to me. I just want to share with you. All of it.
Dark and Twisty: because you can be you?
Dark and Twisty: without pretense
Dark and Twisty: to someone who won’t judge
Me: and you have no expectations for me.
Me: Hope you know you are free with me as well.
Dark and Twisty: I am
Me: Good. Then happy to be your escape for as long as you need.
Dark and Twisty: and if it didn’t end?
Me: Then I’d have my happy ending- wouldn’t I?
Dark and Twisty: I don’t know where this road will lead, but I’m glad you’re traveling with me