To The Beloved

Dear Beloved,

I am so sorry. So very sorry for the pain that he has put you through. That I’ve allowed him to put you through. Your collateral damage was never my intention. Only the reality.

My only hope in salvation is that you read my story and see that I am not the perfect woman you envision. That my flaws run deep and raw. I want you to hate me. Welcome it even. But I want you to hate him too.

I want you to hate him and see him for the user that he is. I know this before I begin. And know that I carry it with me always. You could say that I seek him out because of the hate I harbor for him and myself. We hold up the mirror.

You deserve so much more. You deserve a man who will love you without abandon. That will worship you. Adore you. And I pray to god you find this man. By nature- they are not easy to come by. I don’t want you to believe that I am the last mistake he will ever make. Because the reality is I’m not. Eventually he will find another. And we will repeat the cycle endlessly.

But I do want you to know that he won’t leave you. He loves you. Perhaps so much it terrifies him. That’s why he’s in my bed. His own inadequacies terrify him and he knows you see them too. He doesn’t know how to cope. So he searches for his Manic Pixie Dream Girl. The girl he doesn’t think sees him for what he is. Too bad for him -I do. I just don’t give a shit. I will let him carry the illusion because it serves me too.

But I want him to return to you. Always. To throw it all away for the Manic Pixie Dream Girl is a stupid choice to make. I could never be the reality. Only you. You will love fiercely and unconditionally. I have a long list of terms and conditions that could never be ultimately satisfied.

Your home is not one that I wish to wreck.

You should be wary- not all other women are like me. They want to win the game. I just recognize that the prize isn’t worth having. And that I’m the wrong thing to crave. So if you’ve been had by this specific women take comfort in knowing that their reality will eventually come crashing down. Perhaps not today, perhaps not tomorrow. But eventually. All things come around in time.

Be well. Be fabulous. And stay away from the Dark and Twisty. They are not meant to be held.

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