I hate him.
He disgusts me.
With his constant need for affection and attention. With his dirty poetry hoping he’ll get lucky later. With his lying in bed next to his wife, kids sleeping in the other room, and him thinking about how he’s going to fuck me.
The caged she wolf is looking at me expectantly. She wants out. She wants to play. I’ve fortified the steel enclosing her so that it’s harder for her to escape this time. She doesn’t appreciate this very much, but I gently try to inform her it’s for the best.
Now she is hurt. Her big eyes look at me longingly. She promises me she won’t be out for very long. She will be better this time. If I let her out on her own accord she won’t be so frenzied. She begs me for a time limit. An hour or two each day? She’s hungry she begs.
This is the start, of how it all ends.
They used to shout my name, now they whisper it.
I’m speeding up…
And this is the red, orange, yellow flicker beat sparking up my heart.
I’ve avoided writing like the plague. I don’t enjoy being faced with my own stupidity. This journey is a painful reminder of the twists and turns my diseased mind has decided to take.
But I’m still along for the ride.
Because I have no choice.
Because I need to know.
I’m back bitches- did you miss me?
Dark and Twisty: There is no light without being dark
Me: Which am I to be now?
Dark and Twisty: Indeed
Dark and Twisty: Seize control of you
I’ve seized control. I’ve thought about it. I’ve argued with myself about it. I’ve argued with other people about it. I’ve ran from it. I’ve drank over it. I’ve hurt over it.
I am who I am.
And who I am…. Is polyamorous.
“And why do you think you engage in this sort of behavior?”
The man sitting across from me stares at me blankly. He’s trained to show no emotion. God dammit, I hate clinical bullshit.
“I don’t know. You are the professional- you tell me. Sir.” A sweet smile paints itself on my lips as I lean towards him. Intentional on my part, but certainly not real. The man shifts, and I think he might want to roll his eyes at me. But he doesn’t. Score. He’s not a robot.
“You are paying me, Ms. Anonymous. These are answers you want for yourself.”
I don’t hold back- and roll my eyes with a heavy sigh.
“No, I want to sleep. I don’t sleep. Don’t you have some sort of medication for that.” I glare at him and cross my arms against my chest- the universal sign for fuck off.
“I do. But we need to chat first. You know that.”
I return his clinical gaze.
“Answer the question.”
I smirk at him.
“Let’s play a game. I’ll answer, and then I’ll ask you a question in response. Tit for tat.”
Unicorn: I love the way you look at me with your hand wrapped around my cock. It’s amazing.
I’m smirking at my computer as I read his line of text, recalling our earlier adventure. I remember the look well.
It was the look of pure power. I had him. Right where I wanted him. In that moment I was everything to him. Sex. Is. So. Powerful.
I don’t know what the fuck is wrong with me this go-around but I simply cannot keep my shit together.
With Dark and Twisty it was easy. Okay, maybe not. But I didn’t war too much with the concept of sleeping with him. Or being in love with him. Or meeting with him. I risked it all to have just moments of his time.
But with Unicorn? I’m freaking out. Maybe it’s because I have the opportunity to see him more frequently. I’m not sure. But I can’t even relax when I’m with him because I’m terrified I’m going to be caught.
I really enjoy telling stories in a linear progression. But I’m going to have jump ahead a bit with my unicorn.
Let’s just say we’ve been together quite a few times, and it’s been great. Dreamy even. We’ve exchanged professions of love (Too soon? Probably- but sometimes these things can move quickly). We’ve kissed, we’ve shared, and we’ve laughed. We haven’t had our collision yet- that’s coming. Full speed ahead. I’m still painting the picture, but on a much smaller scale. I’m trying to live in the moment.
I see something in him that I knew was present, but I didn’t really want to face.
He is hopelessly in love with his wife.
An intelligent man is my kryptonite.
Mr. Unicorn is an intelligent man.
The e-mails flowed easily between us for those first few days. I never once felt as though I was forcing any of our connection. He avoided all discussion surrounding sex (which is honestly a must for me- when I’m first getting to know someone). It seemed we were really hitting it off.
We moved our conversation to the realm of Skype and I was happy to discover that things were still going well. I didn’t get bored interacting with him- but instead I wanted MORE.