Every Other Heart Beat

I really enjoy telling stories in a linear progression.  But I’m going to have jump ahead a bit with my unicorn.

Let’s just say we’ve been together quite a few times, and it’s been great.  Dreamy even.  We’ve exchanged professions of love (Too soon? Probably- but sometimes these things can move quickly). We’ve kissed, we’ve shared, and we’ve laughed.  We haven’t had our collision yet- that’s coming.  Full speed ahead. I’m still painting the picture, but on a much smaller scale.  I’m trying to live in the moment.

But tonight.

I see something in him that I knew was present, but I didn’t really want to face.

He is hopelessly in love with his wife.

Yeah, he’s married. He should be in love with her- right?  But sometimes people who entertain the idea of an affair literally *aren’t* in love with their partners any longer.  They are craving a new experience.  Sometimes merely sexual, sometimes emotional.

But my unicorn? He feels abandoned. Left out in the cold, by a powerful woman who is on her own journey independent of him.  (I suspect she might be having an affair herself, but I won’t admit this to him- not yet anyways).  He’s trying to fill himself up with me- but in reality he simply wants her.

Well, that kind of sucks.  So I replay every moment.  I can see him creating.  Painting.  It hurts my heart. For me, for him, and for every silent party involved.

Hot damn, this really is hungry work.

So I’m wondering- do I stay or do I go?  I wanted sharing.  I wanted a mutual experience.  I didn’t want to support someone through their heartbreak.

But that’s exactly the reason I should stay.

He needs someone.  And if not me, it will be another woman.  I know the game. I see through him.  And so I feel that I’m best suited to carry him through the dark.  It will be dark.

But how should I proceed?  What type of support should I offer him?  I don’t want him to lose himself in me to temporarily erase the heartache of a wife who doesn’t give a shit.  I want him to live a happy and fulfilling life.  I want him to recognize his worth as a man, and as a husband. I want others to stop taking advantage of him.  I want him to stop letting them. I want to see him realize his full potential.

Perhaps it is not my place to want these things for him.  He needs to want them for himself.  What’s that phrase? You can lead a horse to water….

I am reminded of my dark and twisty again.  He withheld many things from me- a large portion of himself. He was guarded.  I used to think that was because he didn’t want me long term.  He didn’t love me- and he didn’t want to steer me down that path because it would have been too painful for both of us.  (Even though I went down that path without him).

Now I’m wondering… Maybe he saw what I see in my unicorn?  Maybe he saw that he was merely a drug for me.  Maybe he withheld because he knew I wasn’t capable of reciprocating. Perhaps he was actually protecting himself.

Damn.

So I will stay. To support this man.  I will give back the gift that I was once given.  Because I care about him. And I want him to be well.  I also want to keep learning about myself- through the eyes of another. But I will recognize that he is not yet ready to love another woman.  These are creations of his own design.  So I must temper the sharing of my heart.  I must recognize that he cannot give his own back to me.

I don’t know where this road will take us, but I’m glad I’m traveling with him.

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2 thoughts on “Every Other Heart Beat

  1. that’s what 99% of married men say to the mistress.
    google secondary gain. It’s what we get from bad things that keeps us hooked, for example you keep smoking because it relaxes you, even though you know that you fly to lung cancer island VIP class.
    he gets something from her, that’s why he stays. don’t buy bull easily

    Like

    • You are totally right! I think in this case there really is something broken between them- I see him as a little bit more desperate than she is. It looks like she has the upper hand in their marriage. And *of course* he gets something out of it. Likewise, I get something out of staying in my current situation and in having these affairs. Although today I’m wondering exactly what I’m getting from the affair portion. Thanks for commenting. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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