Rule No. 8: Who am I to be now?

Dark and Twisty: There is no light without being dark

Me: Which am I to be now?

Dark and Twisty: Indeed

Dark and Twisty: Seize control of you

————————————————————–

I’ve seized control.  I’ve thought about it.  I’ve argued with myself about it.  I’ve argued with other people about it.  I’ve ran from it.  I’ve drank over it.  I’ve hurt over it.

I am who I am.

And who I am…. Is polyamorous.

I’ve always known.  I just haven’t always wanted to know.  Because that’s scary.  That’s not traditional!  And I’ve always wanted to be traditional. I’ve always wanted to be “right.” I make deep connections with men no matter the circumstance.  Whether I am single or attached.  I get something from these connections.  I get a piece of myself. I feel free and more complete.  I love to love.  That’s the truth. And you know what? It’s not wrong! It’s fabulous. And it’s ME!

I’ve told you this whole entire time it was me.  I keep repeating the same thing.  What I need to do is admit it.  To myself.  To my Mr. MT (hereafter referred to as my primary, or my dear sweet boyfriend!) and to those that are closest to me whom I feel need to know.  Also my Dark and Twisty (hereafter referred to as my potential secondary).

I don’t have to hurt anymore.  I don’t have to be afraid anymore.  I get to be honest.

And so that’s exactly what I did.

I waited patiently for my dear sweet boyfriend to finish his video game (okay not so patiently- I felt like I was dying!) so that I could tell him the truth about myself.  And then I just went for it.  I said everything that I felt.  I cried.  I held him while he cried.  And we talked back and forth about what that meant for us.  If he could be okay with it.  How it hurt him to hear it.

And then we didn’t sleep.  I was a mess.  A wreck.  But I felt a certain amount of calm.  I felt hopeful.  I felt whole.  And I hoped that he would accept me as I was.  But I needed to accept that he might not.  And that doesn’t mean he doesn’t love me.  It just means he is also confident in what he wants and is not going to compromise.

Tonight was hard again. More silent tears.  I wanted to run. I wanted to get in my car and call my momma and never look back.  I wanted to buy a pack of cigarettes and stuff them all in my mouth at the same time.  I wanted a drink.  That gin sitting on my counter started to look mighty appetizing.

But I didn’t. I told myself that I had to stay here with him.  To deal with this. To let him know that I love him without boundaries.  That I support him, even if it hurts me too.  To talk with him openly.  I had to deal with this. And I needed to be sober.  Pain is an emotion that I no longer need to run from.  It’s just something we feel sometimes.

Then after he stopped crying and I stopped crying we just sat there awkwardly staring at each other.  And then we opened our mouths. And we began to communicate.  Again.  About it all. He informed me that he wanted to retain some normalcy for now but that might not always be the case.  But that I needed to inform him when it wouldn’t be the case.

I had the opportunity to lie again.  I could tell him that I was comfortable waiting and that I wasn’t sure either.  But what purpose would that serve?  What is the purpose of doing the same thing and getting the same result?  No.  I wasn’t going to do that anymore.  I owed it to him and myself to be truthful.  And so I said it didn’t matter much now- but in three months’ time it will. In three months I’ll be with HIM. My potential secondary.  This man that I am developing a deep emotional connection with. And I will want to explore what we mean to each other in person.  I will want to know what it feels like to kiss him. To hold his hand. To be in his arms.  And I want to know what it feels like to exist in my world with him in it.

My dear sweet boyfriend didn’t cry this time. We explored what that might feel like to him.  We explored how that will hurt him- or if it will.  We discussed if we could move past that.  If he could move past that.  And then we moved on to other conversations.

Could he date?  Does he want to? What if he finds out he wants someone more than he wants me? Or if I want someone more than him (that’s silly by the way!).  Would I be sad waiting for him to come home?  How does he manage his time?  How do I manage mine?  These are questions that don’t have immediate answers.  Although I did let him know that the prospect of him dating other women actually excites me!  I would want to know about his secondary.  I hope she loves all the things that I don’t particularly enjoy.  Perhaps they can go play DnD and I can sit at home with my jar of peanut butter and Netflix.  Maybe she is a thrill seeker and they can go launch themselves down some Class IV rapid together while I safely hang out at the bottom. I want to share with this woman too.  The love of this great man that I call my dear sweet boyfriend.  His patience.  His intelligence.  His softness. And his vulnerability. His odd quirks and preferences.  I want someone else to see him just like I do.  I want someone to help him grow in a way that I cannot.  A way that he cannot on his own.

And in the same sense I don’t have to hide my self-discoveries with my potential secondary anymore.  I get to be real and honest.  And speak about what he loves in me that I didn’t even see in myself.  And what I love in him. (If my dear sweet boyfriend wants to know).

And there is so much that he sees… Here’s a sneak peek (we’ve moved past the Dark and Twisty- no need anymore.)

Dark and Twisty: no, you are not listening (or reading)

Dark and Twisty: I started as wanting to help the broken

Dark and Twisty: then I learned about the girl behind the mask

Dark and Twisty: And now I want to be a part of her life, not just a help to someone in need

Dark and Twisty: because I see how caring and loving and incredible she is. And I hope that she will share a bit of that with me

I know that my dear sweet boyfriend might not choose this lifestyle. Even if he does seem lukewarm to the idea.  But if we part- we will do so as friends- not because I hit the self-destruct button. And there is something beautiful about that.

Either way I’m glad I’m coming out of the closet so to speak.  That’s not just a random reference as I don’t believe poly was a choice for me.  I think I was just born this way.

I am born this way. I am polyamorous.  I am Ms. Anonymous.  I am FUCKING awesome. And I am happy.

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