Rule No. 13: So this is the new year..

It’s a new year.

I wish I could tell you that I’ve had some sort of revelation.  That I am resolved to make 2015 better than 2014 was.  That I am going to learn how to connect with others and let down my guard.

I wish.

I must confess that was my original plan but I’ve woken up these past two days with such an awful feeling.  The not okay has grown stronger.  Is it because I’ve stopped feeding the monster?  Because I’ve committed to commitment?

I doubt it.

It’s because I’m supremely selfish.  Always looking out for number one. And the level of hate and disdain I hold for myself is at an all-time high at the moment.  Too bad you can’t get a break from your own brain.  Wouldn’t that be a treat?

I resolved to be in a better place than I was last year this time around. And instead of finding myself somewhere near the top of the mountain I haven’t even started the climb. Oh and I’m naked.  With no shoes or socks.

This blows.

Whine, whine whine,.  It doesn’t make things any better.  I’ve taught myself that holding your tongue and wearing the mask is the best course of action.  Occasionally I’ll slip and someone will see how off I am, but that’s not often.  And the majority of the time no one notices.  Because they see what they want to see.

Sometimes the silence is deafening.

It consumes me.

I want to talk. To reach out.  I don’t know where to begin.

Enter some counseling on therapy and drugs. Fuck you.  Therapy only works if you want it to.  And drugs turn you into a half human.  A zombie.  I haven’t found either to be very helpful and believe me I’ve had my fair share.

No, this has to come from within.

I don’t even know where to start.

Alcohol helps. Men help. Work helps.  All distractions from spending any alone time with the person I hate the most.

You sad, sick, pathetic creature.  Grow up. I’m sorry someone hurt you along the way.  It happens. It’s FUCKING life.  Get up and fucking live.  Where was that girl who bounced around happily at a concert?  What happened to her?  The one others envied? Wanted to be?  What has become of her now?

She was pretty cool.

I accidentally killed her.

Murder.

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