Inconsistency

Today I had tech rehearsal for the musical I’m in.

If you are a non-theatre type, tech is the time when all the finer details of a live theatre production come together. We add lights, sound, and complicated effects.

I love techs.

In my younger years, tech consisted of an entire weekend.  We would start on Friday at 6pm and go until midnight.  Then Saturday we would muster through a full run-through (often for the first time).  Again, the same on Sunday.  My house was always the destination for sleepovers during tech week.  I bonded so fiercely with my castmates during that time.  Fun fact- I had my first sexual encounter with a female during a tech weekend.

Such fond memories.

But tech is long.  Grueling.  With much starting and stopping.

It’s not about you as an actor, it’s about the techies who make the real magic happen.

And my Mr. Exec is the sound guy for this musical.

Today officially began the four-week run of seeing him on a very, very regular basis.  Thursday through Sunday.  Our paths will cross. Whether we wish them to or not.

I am becoming so impressed with my ability to compartmentalize our affair.  At this point, being in the same room as him no longer phases me.  I can even hold a conversation with him in view of all our friends with no nervous energy.  I am consistent.

He, however, is not.

Prior to beginning our little adventure, he was larger than life.  Very outgoing. He didn’t carry an ounce of dark energy with him.  He was goofy.  Misdirected.  And lacked focus.  He was a little on the sarcastic side. Sometimes chuckling to himself at the antics of others.  But in general, he was someone you wanted to be around.  He had fantastic energy.

During the first few weeks of our affair he also acted this way in public.  He joked with my fellow castmates.  He would test boundaries with me by sitting too close when his wife was otherwise occupied (an obnoxious habit, but I could put up with it).  He was still my Mr. Exec.

But then he began to morph and change.

I noticed it when we were alone together in my apartment.  When he first arrives he’s all confidence and false bravado.  But not sinister.  He’s in control.  He knows that I want him.  He knows what we are about to do.

When I’m beneath him he shifts again.  It’s like he’s battling his own self-control.  He maintains the fiercest eye contact during sex.  It’s unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before.  It’s during these intense moments that his mask slips.  He studies my face.  He regards me with such trepidation.  Until I respond favorably, and then he shifts again into the man who is very much in control.  Our dance continues like this.  Studying, searching.  And then back to wild passion. There are moments when I’m pressed up against him that it feels so familiar and comfortable it terrifies me.  He is at his most genuine when he is inside of me.

Afterwards we lay on the bed and begin our post-coital cuddle session.  He is very affectionate here.  Making sure to maintain constant contact with me.  I continue to study him as he does me during the act itself.  But now he shies away from eye contact while he ruminates on whatever topic of conversation we’ve invented.  It is this portion of our session that I find most uncomfortable.  It is here when I am most vulnerable. I think he senses my nervousness as he always makes sure to pull me closer to him if I try to wiggle away, consciously or not.

When it’s time for him to leave, he makes one final shift.  This shift is darker.  Often, we will share a cigarette together. I am at my most comfortable during this portion of his visit.  I am in my purest form. He starts to move towards a more manipulative state. He is not as out-going as he was during the earlier portions.  He is more withdrawn.  Contemplative.  He completely avoids eye contact now.  When he finally does leave, he pulls me in for a deep kiss and refers to me as “dear.”  He never calls me that- except for when he is leaving. It doesn’t feel sweet.

He acts differently in public too.

He has moments of being happy-go-lucky.  But for the most part his dazzle is more focused.  Harder. When we are not engaged in a conversation he stands apart from others, typically next to his wife- and watches.  He doesn’t joke like he used to.  He is commanding.

While everyone was loading up their plate with food during the break between Act I and II I ended up in a conversation with him in the kitchen.  It was the first time we’d exchanged words for the day.  I worked hard to extract a genuine smile from him but still noted that he seemed much more cautious than usual.  This is not the Mr. Exec I am used to.

I wandered off to sit with my BFF outside.  He eventually followed me out and engaged in a brief conversation with both of us.  Again, his energy was off.  He avoided looking at me.  I almost thought that perhaps he was tired of our little game and braced myself for his no-contact later.  Our conversation ended and he wandered off to smoke in view of us.  My BFF happened to be wearing sunglasses so I watched his reflection while engaging in conversation with her.  I found this terribly amusing.  But still, his energy was so much darker.

After tech, I went home and napped for most of the evening.  No, really. I slept from 4PM to nearly 11PM. I woke up to numerous messages from him about how much he enjoyed seeing me.  How he can’t wait to have me this week alone.  And then one final message much later than any of the others.  “Pssst… Hey my pretty girl, I’m thinking about you.”

Curious.

I do not understand his inconsistency.

Perhaps with time his motivations will become clearer.

It’s such a dizzying dance keeping pace with him.

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