Rule No. 15: I am crazy.

Who am I to be now?

It’s been over two months since I’ve asked that question.  I’ve assumed multiple definitions in this time frame.  None of them seem to fit. Who the fuck am I to be?

I think it’s time that we all own up to our shit.  Our insecurities.  Why have we taught ourselves that being S T R O N G is the proper path?  P E R F E C T I O N the ideal goal? Are we so afraid of being hurt that we refuse to let anyone in completely?  I hate this. I think its bull shit.

I want to transcend.

No more fucking mask.

So let me tell you a bit about myself.

I am an incredibly scared creature.  It’s a miracle I venture out of the house on most days.  Although the house isn’t any more safe.  I worry that an earthquake will happen and we’ll be crushed by the log cabin enclosing us.  I worry that we’ll turn the heater up too high and we will accidentally cause a fire.  And then because I sleep so hard I won’t wake up. And then we will burn to death.

I spend a large portion of my day worrying about these things.  These things that are not likely but I feel are imminent.

And then let’s talk for a moment about my deep dark secret.  My body issues.

Your body is a temple.

God I hope not, I wouldn’t want to worship mine.  I’m a chubby thing.  No amount of exercise or starvation seems to change that.  An eating disorder in my formidable years completely fucked over my metabolism so that if I eat like a somewhat normal human I gain 10 pounds. I’m not kidding.  I can’t even look at chocolate.

My weight and my body completely dictates how I feel each day.  If I wake up and know that I’ve eaten something naughty the previous evening it’s going to be a shit day.  On the other hand, if I’ve been successful in starving myself it’s going to be a fantastic day!  Especially if I’ve made it through a streak of these actions.  I’ll be higher than high.  Nothing can take me down.

I am a captive to my body issues.  My mood completely tied to them.  It is no picnic.

I wonder if we all started to be a little more honest about our flaws how much more pleasant the world would start to become.  Then we aren’t pitted against each other and can instead help one another on the battle that we call life.  Kind of neat, I think.

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